The lingering global financial crisis, the recent political turmoil in Bangkok and the sometimes wet weather of this time of the year in Phuket all add up to leave a delightfully empty beach in Patong.

The Centara Sawaddi Patong Resort Phuket has launched a “Discover Patong Phuket – Introductory Sale” with rates starting from just B1,200++ per room-night (two people). On top of this, anyone booking the package before June 30 will also get buffet breakfast free. The offer is valid for stays before October 31.

Children under 12 stay free, with a maximum of two sharing their parents’ room and bed. An extra bed can be provided at B600++ per night.

The Centara Sawaddi Patong Resort Phuket is located a short stroll from Patong’s renowned entertainment heartland and renowned beach, the Jungceylon Shopping and Entertainment Complex and the popular Bangla Walking Street.

The resort is about 40 minutes’ drive from Phuket International Airport and about 20 minutes from the island’s capital, Phuket Town. The resort website is here.

From left, Arj Barker, Caimh McDonnel and Rob Deering.

The global climate is changing. All the animals are soon going to be extinct. We’re going to run out of water. BP is poisoning large chunks of the US coast because we all want to drive around in cars. We keep knocking over trees to build more fabulous holiday homes that no one actually needs. The air will soon be unbreatheable. And it’s all our fault. Well, the last bit is mostly China’s fault, but the rest is ours. We should all feel desperately guilty.

That’s probably why we in Phuket keep going to this never-ending series of comedy routines performed by visiting stand-ups from all over the English-speaking world. We need cheering up sometimes.

There’s another lot landing here on June 22 (a Tuesday) for a one-night stand-up at the Mercure Hotel in Patong. This time the performers are:

Arj Barker, from San Francisco. You’ll be happy to hear that Arj doesn’t think global warming is our fault. It is, he has concluded, the fault of the sun: “After all, when you burn the toast, you don’t blame the bread, do you?” He has a point. Arj is very popular in Australia, where the Melbourne Age described him thus: “Barker is an intelligent, droll comic with a dark turn of thought and a fantastic, disturbing stage persona.”

A disturbing stage persona? Just what we need when we’re all feeling guilty about making a garbage dump of our only home, the Earth. A disturbing person trying to make us laugh.

Caimh McDonnell has, according to the blurb, “a gentle yet incisive humour [that] makes any audience feel involved whilst playing with their expectations – sucking them in with his chatty, playful stage presence before metaphorically slapping them in the face with an unexpected punchline.” Oh good.

We all need a bit of slapping. But why only metaphorical? After all, with what we’ve been doiung to the Earth and continue to do, we deserve a jolly good spanking. His name, apparently, is pronounced “Queeve”. He’s London Irish.

Rob Deering, according to The Independent newspaper, is “as sharp and versatile as a Swiss Army knife”. So he’s probably got one of those things for getting stones out of a horse’s hoof.

He is also multi-accented, able to converse like a native from (in alphabetical order) the American South, Australia, Bristol, California, Cockney land, Devon, Edinburgh, Eire, Glasgow, Liverpool, London (non-Cockney), Manchester, New York, Northern Ireland, Scotland, the West Country and Yorkshire. Aye, lad.

He’s performed solo at the Edinburgh Festival not once, but six times. They like him there. He accompanies his jokes with a guitar. If you want to know more, you’ll have to go and seew the show.

Note the change of venue from the Holiday Inn “due to unforeseen circumstances”, whatever that means.Tickets are B960 in advance of B1,200 on the door. You can buy the cheap ones at any of the Woody’s Sandwich Shoppes in Chalong, Cherng Talay or Patong, plus the Royal Phuket Marina Health Club, Angus O’Tools in Karon and Arfur O’Tools in Kata.

The “Comedy Bar” at the Mercure opens at 7pm, with the show dues to start an hour later. To find the Mercure, head down Rat-U-Thit 200 Pi Rd until you see the Hard Rock Café on your right. The Mercure is a few yards further, on the opposite side of the road. For more info, see the Comedy Club website.

If you won’t be able to make it to the show, you can still cheer yourself up by doing something good for the environment. For example, today, right now, you can help to slow the rising amounts of CO2 that are adding to the greenhouse effect, leading to global climate change. It’s simple.

Stop breathing.

Boy George, photographed three years ago by Ariadne Barroso, in Brazil.

Heads up all you 40-somethings: androgynous Culture Club icon Boy George will be deejaying in Phuket on May 26, at Seduction disco, just off Soi Bangla.

The Boy – real name George Alan O’Dowd – has recently been making up for lost time following his release from prison in the UK on 11 May last year, after doing  four months of  a 15-month sentence for assault and false imprisonment.

After his release he was tagged with an ankle monitor  and placed on curfew for the remained 11 months of his sentence. Last month, as soon as the tag was off, so was he, on an exhausting world tour, deejaying in 27 countries in just over four months.

On May 23, he’ll do a gig at Lima Lima club in Pattaya, followed by Phuket and then a night at Bed Supper Club in Bangkok on the 27th.

Down in Bangla, with its myriad persons of indeterminate gender, he should be a big hit – one of his main claims to fame is his own dubious orientation, though it took him quite a while to admit he was gay. In one interview, with chat show host Russell Harty, he famously ducked the question, saying that he preferred “a nice cup of tea” to sex.

His recent spell behind bars was not his first brush with the law. He was arrested a couple of times in the UK on suspicion of  drugs possession in the 1980s, and spent five days doing community service in New York five years ago for falsely reporting a burglary.

Despite what he once referred to as his “dark periods”, he has been, and remains, a prolific artist.  Since Culture Cub disbanded in 1986, he has released eight studio albums, six deejay albums, four EPs and 56 singles. His most recent single, Amazing Grace, was released in March and he has another, The Pentonville Blues, due out any time.  He also wrote the lyrics and co-wrote the music for a stage musical, Taboo, which was performed in London and New York in 2002.

Oh yes, and he still found time to write two autobiographical books, Take It Like a Man and Straight, both best-sellers. And he has his own fashion label, B-Rude.

Next month is his 49th birthday, but there’s no sign he’s slowing down at all. The one night in Phuket will be a must-go. To get on the guest list go to the Seduction Facebook page or call +66 (0) 8 1188 1230. Boy George’s MySpace page is here.

Minimalist architecture and maximalist views: The pool at B-Lay Tong.

Over the past couple of years, Patong has been shifting gradually away from its image as the centre of down-and-dirty vacationing into something rather more chic. That’s not to say you can’t get down and very dirty if you want to – but there’s no longer the sense that that’s the only thing to do there and that, basically, if you go to Patong that’s what you have to do.

Just the place for a summit meeting - the dining table in the B-Lay Tong Presidential Suite

Now there is a rising number of chic places to go to. Places where you might have to think a bit further than flipflops, Singha T-shirt and shorts with 17 pockets. Places where you might actually feel out of place if you don’t dress up a bit.

Names in Patong that come to mind include Club Lime, Climax, BYD Lofts or White Box. Now there’s another to put on your list and in the back of your mind: Beat Club at the new 123-room B-Lay Tong Resort, at the north end of Patong Beach. It’s  just opposite the Novotel, close to the junction of the beach road and Phra Barami Rd.

Beat Club is ready – it’s just not operating full-on yet. It can, however, be booked for private parties, taking advantage of the high-tech sound system and neon-lit bar; call K. Tik at +66 (0) 76 344 999.

The resort opened quietly in March, and will have its official opening in the next few months – it’s not yet certain just when, but before the next “high” season. In the meantime everything is ready – two restaurants serving Mediterranean and Thai food, an oyster and sushi bar, the lobby bar and the pool bar, along with a library and fitness room. In-room facilities include audio system, LCD TV with satellite reception, and WiFi or LAN connection for Internet. Free.

Following the trend away from Thai temple-style roofs and a great deal of ornate woodwork, the exterior design of B-Lay Tong is starkly rectangular, with dark grey dressed concrete surfaces. Indoors, things are slick, chic minimalist with dark shades contrasting with splashes of bright colour. In the rooms, the opposite prevails, with bright white being dominant.

Beat Club - not fully open yet, but bring your private dancers for a private party.

The resort is owned by B-Resort Group of Bangkok, and is managed by the InVision Group, headed by former Marriott exec Kevin Beauvais, whose portfolio now includes such chic inns as Zeavola in Phuket along with Villa Maroc on Pranburi Beach, and Glow and Swiss Park in Bangkok. The GM of B-Lay Tong will be Daniel Meury, formerly boss of The Chedi in Phuket.

Room rates until October 31 this year run from B4,900 a night for a Superior Garden View Room to 46,900 for the Presidential Suite with its two bedrooms and enormous living/dining area, sprawling over a total of 145 sqm.

Expect B-Lay Tong to be mentioned soon by the cognoscenti in the same breath as, say, Twin Palms on Surin Beach. For more info, see the B-Lay Tong website here.

Mark Billingham. Just a bit blue.

Mark Billingham, born and raised in Birmingham in the UK, worked for some years as an actor, TV writer and stand-up comedian. His first crime novel, ‘Sleepyhead’, was published in 2001. But his standup career goes back much further, to 1987.

Since that time, he’s appeared on more than 30 radio and TV shows, played every comedy club in the UK and, according to the website, has bought a new hat. As a regular performer and MC at London’s Comedy Store, Mark “talks dirty, waxes lyrical about animal husbandry and takes the p**s out of people’s shirts”.

Mike Gunn’s history is as interesting and entertaining as his comedy. A misspent youth and a series of grim jobs cultivated his cynical outlook on life and a perverse desire led him to the world of stand-up. A self-confessed pessimist, he describes himself as “not a natural choice for a career in laughter”.

Lugubrious Mike Gunn. So why's he smiling?

His lugubrious comedy has been described as “drier than a dead man’s bones”. He has a rare ability to walk close to the line of what audiences find acceptable and yet still remain likable and funny. The website notes, “His reputation for being a bit unfriendly, a touch dark and even morose is really not true. In real life he’s loving, warm and philanthropic. Just a bit misunderstood.”

He has also devised an anti-drugs show aimed at teenagers, which has received rave reviews from the teenagers, most of whom admit he gave them food for thought and cleverly reinforced the anti-drugs message without “preaching”.

Carl Donnelly is, by comparison, a newcomer, having started doing stand-up regularly only in 2005. But he quickly established himself as one of the most exciting new comics climbing the comedy ladder.

The silly youngster: Carl Donnelly.

His conversational style and silly sense of humour have seen him win a host of awards and become a regular act and MC at clubs all over Britain (and the world – he has also performed in France, Germany, Singapore, the Netherlands, Oman, Dubai, Ireland and others.

Tickets for the show can be bought for B960 each until 3pm the day before the show. remaining tickets will be for sale on the door at B1,200 apiece. Sales outlets can be seen here. So far, there is no outlet in Phuket Town. If you have a bar/restaurant/shop in Phuket Town and are interested in selling tickets, leave a comment at the foot of this story and we’ll pass it along.

Important info: Drinks at 50% off will be available from 5pm to 8pm, when the doors open. Thew show begins at 8:30pm. There will also be a “Comedy Bar” just outside the venue, selling beer at B100, wine at B120 a glass, and vodka, gin and whisky at B140.

Ladyboys go Latin. Ay caramba!

It was the ultimate Patong opening: lip-synching ladyboys galumphing around the stage, tiny skirts (on girls and boys alike) and big fronts (on the ladyboys, mostly), volume cranked up, crowds of passers-by rubbernecking to see what was going on, free drinks, balloons, flowers and an opening ceremony presided over by the deputy mayor and the deputy police chief of Phuket’s Big Play Pen.

But this was no ordinary bar opening. It was the inauguration party for the Latin House, self-described as a “restaurant, lounge, coffee, hotel and dance school.”

Warm and inviting lighting.

This is no idle boast. On the ground level is a classily-lit bar serving tables inside and outside on the veranda, while on the floor above is the main restaurant, with another bar. Above that is a dance studio – lots of floor space with plenty of mirrors – while the top two floors contain 10 rooms to let at prices from B1,000 a night. And yes, you can get coffee, too.

Owner Supaporn “Ooy” Chengkrathoh describes the Latin House as “my dream come true”, adding that she made it come true in just three months. The design is hot, sassy, dominated by reds and oranges with a splash of neon blue or yellow here and there.

Hot colours for hot Latin nights.

At the opening night, naturally, was the super-energetic designer of Latin House, Poy Ratanaphan, who recently opened her own establishment, a gay-friendly bar on Surin Beach called Buoy Bar. Did we mention she’s also about three weeks away from having a baby? We have now. A designer baby, no less. No idea how she does it all, but she does.

Proprietor Ooy’s dream encompasses a school for Latin dancing, with two professional teachers. They were on hand for a demonstration. Not as glittery as the ladyboys, but definitely not as galumphing, either. A French couple, too, stepped up for a bit of a salsa demo.

Proprietor Ooy with two of the most important men in her life - her bankers. They say they still have some money left.

The Latin House does make a change from the “dhoom-dhoom-dhoom” of the bars on most of Patong’s streets, and should attract a more discerning crowd. It also brings life to lumpy Pang Meung Sai Ko Rd, which runs behind Jungceylon, parallel to  Rat-U-Thit 200 Pi Rd. Apart from Jungceylon the road features Banzaan Market, the Bangla Boxing Stadium and a few small businesses, but not much else.

There was plenty of energy at the opening of Latin House. All Ooy needs to do is keep that energy going and she’s probably got a winner. After all, where else you gonna mambo till waaay after dawn and then get breakfast? (Latin House serves food 24 hours a day.)

To find Latin House, go north from the back entrance of Jungceylon and look for the signs on the right side of the road about 500 metres on. It’s hard to miss. ¡Me gusta!

But where Phuket currently excels is in attracting DJs with international reputations.

Joachim Garraud - don't let the boyish good looks fool you; this is a clever man.

On January 20, for example, French deejay, composer and producer Joachim Garraud appears at Sound (in Jungceylon, Patong) for one night. Despite his youthful looks, Garraud has a musical history going back 21 years, when he started work as a DJ at The Boy in Paris, a club synonymous in France with the beginnings of techno in that country.

Just two years later, he was one of the DJs at the first rave in Moscow, the Yuri Gagarin Party, which was attended by an estimated 300,000 Russian ravers, and this was followed up in succeeding years by appearances at huge events in Manchester, at the Pyramids of Giza in Egypt and at the Love Parade in Berlin in 2006, in front of a million people.

In the studio which he set up in Paris, he has produced, composed or remixed for the likes of Jean Michel Jarre, David Guetta, Kylie Minogue and David Bowie. He has, since 2005, had his own record label, F**k Me I’m Famous – a reflection, perhaps, of his astonishment at his own success. His website is here.

Meanwhile, on January 30 at Stereo Lab at the south end of Surin Beach, Hed Kandi make a welcome return – their third visit – with Sam Cannon on the turntables and disco diva Shena on the microphone.

Shena - her second album came out just a couple of months ago.

Trained at the Royal Academy of Music in London, Shena has since recorded dozens of singles, including The Weekend, which reached No 7 in the UK charts. She performed the song on the UK TV programmme Top of the Pops, following which it was nominated for a Grammy award. She has also released two albums, the most recent – One Man Woman – at the end of last year.

When she’s not doing her own thing, she’s in demand as a backup singer for the likes of Luther Vandross, Angie Stone, Chaka Khan, Mariah Carey and James Brown. Sample her voice ate her website, here.

Tickets to the Sound event cost B400 (which includes a free drink), while the Stereo Lab event is, as usual, free (but no free drink). The Sound website is here while Stereo Lab’s can be found here.

John Moloney.

Which is why we expect the next Punchline Comedy Club at the Holiday Inn, Patong, on February 10, to be packed.

As usual, there will be three main acts – this time a couple of Canadians and a Brit.

The Brit is John Moloney, who has been doing standup comedy professionally for the past 10 years. In the past couple of years he has been trotting around the globe, performing in Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, the USA, Germany, Hong Kong, Dubai, Amsterdam, and China.

He was voted Best Live Performer for two years running at the London Comedy Festival, and apart from stand-up comedian, his website describes him as  “after-dinner speaker, writer, food critic, TV presenter, actor, and musician. For a taste, see here. His website is here.

Pete Johansson

London-based Canadian Pete Johansson ranges across current events, moving seamlessly from one topic to another. Last year he was nominated for the Best Newcomer award at the Edinburgh Festival (despite his 19 years of stand-up). Writing in the Scotsman newspaper, Kate Capstick noted, “His closing riff on engagement rings, intimacy and anal sex is one of the unmissable joys of this year’s [Edinburgh] Fringe [Festival].” So you’ve been warned.

Johansson’s wesbite is here. Click on “Clips” for samples of his act.

Stewart Francis.

The other Canadian, Stewart Francis, also lists acting and screen writing among his talents (he has written for the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. He specialises in a stream of one-liners, rarely connected, but rarely less than hilarious. His website,which includes clips form past shows, is here.

The show starts at 8:30pm in the Holiday Inn’s Taksina room. A  ‘comedy’ bar selling drinks at sensible prices (beer B100, spirits B120, wine B140) opens next door at 7pm. Tickets are available until the day before the show at B960 apiece from the hotel, from Woody’s Sandwich Shoppes in Chalong, Cherng Talay and Patong, or the Royal Phuket Marina Health Club. They are also available on the door for B1,200. The Phuket Punchline Comedy Club website is here.

This weird penguin-suited character lurks inside a water tank at Nai Harn. The tank was smashed by the 2004 tsunami.

Thai artist Bon describes himself as a street artist – much of his work adorns walls in various parts of Thailand, including Phuket. His work is a long way from the typical manga-inspired street art with complex-bordering-on-unreadable typography.

Bon’s work is colourful, yes, but also original, and slightly unsettling to look at, often featuring masks and distorted faces. We’ll let you judge for yourself from the pix on this page. For more, see his Flickr page.

But whatever darkness lies in this 28-year-old artist’s soul, is balanced by his generous heart. Bon also does work on canvas, some of which will go on show for a month at La Bodega in Patong, with part of the proceeds going to charity. The show’s opening will be on Friday January 22 at 6pm and will be open to all.

"TV Man" - mixed media on canvas.

A charity proceeds will go to the Bodega Project, which is managed by the Phuket Has Been Good To Us Foundation. The project aims to expose local children to the arts by providing art supplies, gallery trips to Phuket Town, concert tickets, music lessons and canvas for painting.

At the opening there will be music provided by DJ K.I.T.T.Y, DJ Daryll, DJ Q Tooth, and live jam sessions with Bodega’s regular musos. Snacks will be provided by Chef Jed.

To get to La Bodega, go south down Rat-U-Thit 200 Pi Rd, past Jungceylon and it’s down the next soi on the left, the one with the Waterworld dive shop on the corner.  Tel 076-602191, Skype bodegaphuket, Facebook. For updates and events, the website is here.

All beauties - not a beast in sight.

If there’s one thing Bryan Lunt likes, it’s a party. And why not – he now has his own party venue, the suggestively named Climax at the top of his own love pad development – sorry, apartment development, Absolute Bangla Suites, just off the infamous womb of Patong, Soi Bangla.

Bryan, who spent a long time as a timeshare caterpillar, burst out into full butterfly (and yes, we use the word butterfly advisedly) mode a couple of  years ago when his name and that of the Absolute Group, of which he is chairman, seemed suddenly to appear on a bunch of chic property developments.

Party president Bryan Lunt with two of his staff, all chosen for their wit and inteligence.

One is Absolute Bangla, then there’s Club Absolute in Pattaya, David Lloyd Absolute Beach Resort On Tong Krut Beach, Koh Samui (endorsed by former British tennis ace David Lloyd), and Absolute David Lloyd Beach Nakalay in Phuket.

Absolute is also into hotel management. That started with the Absolute Sea Pearl Resort in Patong, run by the admirable Supachai Ruamsamu, who formerly ran the Royal Phuket City Hotel in Phuket Town and then the Club Andaman Resort in Patong. Absolute Resort Management now has seven resorts in  its portfolio.

But back to the party, at the rooftop Climax club. On the right as you enter is the expansive kitchen, presided over by Chef Stephan  Bouwman (formerly of the chic BYD Lofts), while on the left is the huge bar and, beyond it, the pool. The fourth quadrant is occupied by a generous seating area with deejay booth and stage at the kitchen end.

The magical Bonnie Anderson.

On the night – November 28 for those of you who were, oddly, not invited – the music was presided over by Paul “DJ Doris” Norris from 91.5FM, and the band was fronted by the amazing Bonnie Anderson. Bonnie’s one of those people who, when you listen to her pumping out R&B, you think, “What’s she doing here, in Phuket? She’s too good for this place.” But she’s been here a long time, so we guess she really likes it.

Absolutely delicious.

And, of course, the beautiful people were there in large numbers. We especially recall the Absolut Vodka girls (what other drink could it be?) in their white sheaths and vibrant metallic wigs (Yes, it’s hot, one of them confessed.)

So: Bryan, good vibes, a big bar, vodka girls, a fine bite of two to eat, lots of beauties and very few beasts. Does this sound like a place to go? Keep your ear to the ground for the next big party there. With Bryan presiding, there’s sure to be another soon.

Oh, and lest we forget, when you’re up there, ask to take a look at the suites themselves. The decor is stunning, each has a Jacuzzi, and the possibilities seem pretty much limitless.