Down the plughole backwards - the Superbowl swallows another victim.

The Observer was invited to the official opening today of the shiny new Splash Jungle water park at West Sands, next to Mai Khao Beach and the airport. We hired a guinea pig to test out the rides. Here’s his report on the Big 5 rides:

“Being short and furry (cute, too), I opted to start on the lower level, about four miles up. Well, that’s what it feels like when you’re short and furry. A lot of steps. There are three chutes on this level, each twisting this way and that.

“The beige-coloured one is tackled while sitting in an inflatable ring with two solid handles for white-knuckle gripping. It’s a bit like how I imagine bob-sleigh would be. Ever seen that on TV? When they take a bend too fast and disappear over the top, followed by an explosion of snow? I’ll swear I came that close. Oo-er.

“Up the steps again goes your intrepid guinea pig. This time the nice chaps take away my bob-sleigh for the next ride in the green chute. I’m told I have to go down feet-first, forearms crossed on my chest. What you might call the coffin position.

A tough job, but someone's got to do it: two of the Splash Jungle lifeguards demonstrate how it's done.

“This one’s more like luge, without the luge. It’s impossible to stay in line while slaloming  round the bends, and I suspect I take a couple of curves with my head bumping along the bottom of the channel and my feet sticking way up the air. In the last millisecond, everything straightens up, however, and I exit into the pool feet first, which means my nose gets a high-pressure clean-out.

“Your fearless guinea pig now climbs up a lot of steps again to the blue chute. This one’s completely enclosed. A pipe. A big drain. A big Black Hole. How do they know there’s nothing in there? Rocks? Missing persons? The Starship Enterprise? Things that eat guinea pigs? Oo-er. But I’m being paid the big bucks, so once again I assume the coffin position, which seems particularly appropriate for this descent into night, and plunge in.

“I cross the event horizon. It takes milliseconds. And hours. But once again I exit, astonishingly in the same universe, and get my sinuses cleaned out again. I’ll swear I was upside down a couple of times. Impossible to tell when it’s completely dark and you’re traveling at just under light speed. Phew.

“Now it’s the biggies. The top of the tower (a lot more steps). Here, at roughly the same height as Mount Everest, there’s a choice: The Boomarango, the Superbowl or back down the stairs. But the boss is standing behind me with a cattle prod, so the stairs are out.

“Once more into the ring with the white-knuckle handles. Once more into a dark tunnel that slopes down at roughly 90 degrees. Yes, I’ll swear it’s vertical. Then out into the sun on a wide runway that curves skyward. So this is the Boomerango.

The plumbing at Splash Jungle, with the Boomerango at left.

“They told us that it’s impossible – impossible – to go off the end of the chute. Now I know they were wrong. Here’s me. Here’s the end of the chute. About two millimeters to go and I’m still going waaaay too fast.

“Then I stop and start sliding back. They were right! But now I’m travelling backwards at warp speed. I can’t see where I’m going. What if I hit something? I have no control! But let’s be realistic – when was the last time a guinea pig was in control of anything? I splash down safe again. Phew.

“More steps. And more. Back up to the top again. Climb back into my ring. Enter another black tunnel. Superbowl time. Out of the tunnel into the bowl. Round the rim at a speed guaranteed to turn the hair white. Round again, and then backwards down another black hole. Down the plughole. And splashdown.

“I’m alive! I’m alive! I’ve done the big five! Can I get paid now, please?”

Okay. Five lettuce leaves, wasn’t it?

No, you cheapskate. It was ten… That’s more like it. Thank you. Don’t call me – I’ll call you. Not.

Entry fees to Splash Jungle until April 30 (including taxes) are B2,100 for adults and B 1,229  for children (height 100-130 cm). Children under 100cm tall get in free. For Thais and foreign residents the prices are B1,755 for adults and B1,229 for children between 100-130 cm tall. Shuttle buses from various points in Phuket are included in the ticket prices.

For more information or reservations, call +66 (0) 7637 2111

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